~~

I don’t think I have ever felt as unfit, wretched and undeserving as I do now. And consequently … I have never understood the power of grace as I do today.

~~

About a year ago I got a special word from God that He was going to take me into a deeper level of intimacy with Him, a place where not many enter into and I had not experienced before. I initially received this message with great excitement and expectation but the more it sank, the more I began to realize and weigh its connotations. You see, when we are given promises or a word, we automatically think of the final destination but never of the journey and process that will get us there. I knew that entering a deeper level of intimacy with Him would only mean letting go of a lot of things and I knew that it meant some kind of transforming process I would have to undergo. But little did I know that this time around, more than letting go or seeing beyond my circumstances, this time … it’d be more about holding on and seeing within my circumstances.

 ~~

I’m one of those people that haven’t done a lot of extreme things or messed up in big noticeable ways. I was one of those teenagers that took God seriously and I put all my eggs in one basket; God’s hands. I decided I was gonna live my life for Him and His purposes and seek Him first and so I did; or so I attempted to the best I could. And so it really bothers me when people belittle me for the things I haven’t done (how ironic that those that do are belittled for doing, and those that don’t are belittled for not doing) or put me on a pedestal or label me as perfect (when come on, I’m SO far from it).

 ~~

You see, usually it’s the extreme measures or mistakes that have us feeling so undeserving and wretched …  but that’s not my case. I didn’t murder a person, I don’t have any serious addictions, I didn’t go too far or have sex with my boyfriend or someone else (I don’t even have a boyfriend), I didn’t steal anything, I didn’t rebel against God, I didn’t do anything extreme … that’s not what has me feeling so wretched and undeserving … but I feel as if I had.

 ~~

What kind of image do the words “intimate relationship” trigger in your mind? I immediately think of closeness, cuddling, loving and bliss. Is that along the lines of what came to your mind?

Well that’s the closeness I initially pictured when I heard the words “God” and “Intimacy.”

 ~~

This may not come to you as a surprise or revelation but … what if I told you that the longer we stand in God’s presence, the closer and more intimate we are with Him, the more our impurities, inadequacies and insufficiencies rise to the surface. We are quick to associate God with peace, love and hope –which are all things He is- but we seldom think about the struggle it incurs of facing the ugly in us and the pain of letting go and being transformed (purified).

 ~~

The raw truth is that we all have “points of vulnerability, areas of susceptibility to sin and self-destruction.” Drawing closer to God, closer than I have ever been, has exposed my vulnerability, revealed scars, wounds, patches and just my self-destructive tendencies. Lately I’ve been feeling pulled in a million directions and my lack of trust, my stubborn need for control and understanding, my impatience, my hesitation and fear to act, my confusion that blinds me, and my instincts of selfish love, have exposed someone who feels, sounds and looks so different than the person I have intended to be. Who is that stranger in the mirror? Is this me? Is this really my potential; my capability to hurt, and my inclination to make a mess of my heart? I have never felt this lost and impure, selfish and stubborn, blind and oblivious … I have never felt this naked and inadequate before my God … and it’s my susceptibility to sin and destruction that scares me the most (when I have worked so hard at being someone “good”) that shows me I am HOPELESS without HIM.

WHERE would I be if it hadn’t been for God’s love and hand!!!!?

 ~~

 I had only heard (even from my own mouth) but now … now I can see with my own eyes (Job 42:5). It’s truly not in the light of our neighbor that we understand grace (comparing or contrasting to see if I am better or worse, righteous or not) … it is in the light of God that we understand our need of grace. I am undeserving … impure … a wretch! And yet HE STILL LOVES ME and for Him I AM ENOUGH!!? And EVERYTHING has not depended on ME, or MY efforts or MY faithfulness … my ‘self-righteousness’ my ‘strength’ and my ‘wisdom’ are all  illusions … and the little I may have is not even MINE … HE’S THE SOURCE OF IT ALL … it was, is and will always be ONLY because of HIS GRACE … HIS LOVE … HIS WINGS covering me from falling, from slipping … HIS HAND holding my heart every step of the way… HIS STRENGTH helping me persevere and endure …

 ~~

The closer I draw to Him … the more wretched I become … because as I enter into the light of Who HE is,  I understand all the “good” in me, is NOT who “I am” … it’s who HE IS in me. In His light … we see the light … we see the truth … And His light does not expose our weakness and wretchedness to humiliate us and mock us … but rather to clothe us with everything HE is.

 ~~

I am unfit … I am impure … I am a wretch … but HE gives me a new name … He makes me FIT, HE makes me PURE, HE makes me RIGHTEOUS … He makes me FREE and ALIVE!!!! I don’t want to step away from His light, I want it to be all I ever know. I need Him more than ever before; I understand my dependency on Him more than ever before. If there is anything I fear, is to leave His side.

 ~~

♫♫ AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me ♫♫

ONLY in HIM I can find my real name, my real identify and my freedom, so that I’m not a stranger anymore; so that I could be called his friend; his child; his beloved!

 ~~

Just take a look around and it’s so easy to see that we are capable of so much wrong … we are vulnerable beings, susceptible to sin and destruction … but we are also capable of so much good … but not alone … only through the One who enables us.

 ~~

Who do you see in the mirror? Have you become a stranger so different from whom you’ve been called to be … or are you becoming the you HE wants/needs you to become?

 ~~

“All of the mistakes and failures you remember, all the secrets you run from, all the regrets and remorse…they are all gone. Every one of them has been torn from the story of your life. You are forgiven. You are accepted. You are loved.”

~God~

Is it sad that this has become one of my favorite Sara Bareilles’ songs? <3 (it’s such a sad song haha but I love it … it’s so heartfelt … & honestly … I could not have said it better!)  ~~ Sometimes … singing is all i know how ~~

I ask the impossible: love me forever.

Love me when all desire is gone.
Love me with the single mindedness of a monk.
 

When the world in its entirety,
and all that you hold sacred advise you
against it: love me still more.
 

When rage fills you and has no name: love me.
When each step from your door to our job tires you—
love me; and from job to home again, love me, love me.
 

Love me when you’re bored—
when every woman you see is more beautiful than the last,
or more pathetic, love me as you always have:
not as admirer or judge, but with
the compassion you save for yourself
in your solitude.
 

Love me as you relish your loneliness,
the anticipation of your death,
mysteries of the flesh, as it tears and mends.
 

Love me as your most treasured childhood memory—
and if there is none to recall—
imagine one, place me there with you.
 

Love me withered as you loved me new.
Love me as if I were forever—
and I, will make the impossible
a simple act,
by loving you, loving you as I do.

~ Beautiful poem by Ana Castillo ~

The romantic in me says … someday ;)

Bucket List? =)
I’d LOVE to do this/be there one new years eve!!!!!!!

(Source: dulcedistrict)

Today it’s my 26 Birthday!

Birthdays are always such a retrospective and sentimental gush for me. They’re always filled with so much nostalgia for my loved ones who are so far away, and yet so much gratitude and tears of joy for the gift of life.

But I have to admit … this birthday tastes a little bitter to me. There is something about being closer to 30 than 20 that’s hard to swallow … and 26 puts me right over that line. (lol) And for some reason instead of dwelling on my uncertain future, today I find myself revisiting the past.

I find it funny how ten years ago, birthdays found me looking forward and today it finds me looking back. I can’t help think about my 18 years old self. I find myself comparing her futuristic view versus my retrospective one; hope versus reality. And so I asked myself, if my 26 year old self could write a letter to my 18 years old self, what would she say? And so these are the unspoken words that in my heart I found stored:

Dear 18 year old self:

The innocence with which you dream and the determination with which you wait, grip it and hold on it to it tightly. Don’t forget the ‘why’ of your decisions because that you will need to recall more than oftentimes. Remember: never doubt in the dark, what God told you in the light. These may be your years of light.

Sooner or later it’ll really hit you that the decision you’re making to guard your heart with zeal and not enter into meaningless relationships but instead wait for when it’s right, will turn out to be not so applauded after all. People, even your ‘friends’ will treat you as inexperienced, outdated, old fashioned, and naïve for it. You will have to wait longer than you think, and your friends, family and guys you will open your heart to, will pressure you into doubting the decision you’ve made. But you KNOW what you’re doing, you heart is in the right place, and remember this: The decision you’re making is not for them, it’s for God and you, that’s all the approval you need, and which you will always have. Eventually, there will be someone who will blow you away and will know exactly how to hold your heart.

You are different … but different is okay … embrace what makes you YOU because it’s fun and satisfying. Don’t be afraid of people laughing at you, sidelining you, or belittling you. Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent; so don’t give it. And you’re not an open book that people can just riffle through; what you need is people who will take the time & effort to unveil your heart and love you for that; those are the ones worth having in your life.

Friends … only time will tell you which ones are the keepers. But just remember this: just because something breaks doesn’t mean it’s time to throw it away. Some things need to be left behind, others need the time and heart to mend and become more beautiful. Friendships are work, selflessness and you will need them more than you think.

You know so many people and you will come to know so many more. But the least likely to be your friends are the ones who will end up being your good friends. Focus on being an amazing friend to a few people instead of a lesser friend to a lot of people. And your family … oh your family; they’re GOLD. So treasure EVERY SINGLE MINUTE with them that you can.

You will soon realize that fear is your greatest enemy and you will get to know fear like you have never before. Just remember this: fear is just a feeling; that’s all it is. So leap! God calls you … but YOU have to take the step! You’re not going alone.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. So don’t be afraid to stand up even with tears in your eyes. One day you will begin to see what God sees.

Pain is good. It reminds you how fragile you are but it gives you a chance to see how strong you are too. Don’t be afraid to feel pain; don’t feel ashamed when you do. Feel it for as long as you need to and then just let it go. You will know when that is.

And truth is … no matter how determined you are … you will mess up, your heart will break many times, and you will have regrets. But don’t be afraid to get up and try again. Remember that just because things don’t turn out as you planned … it doesn’t mean they won’t turn out at all and you should give up … give time its time and learn to accept and live with what fits in your hand and what doesn’t; not everything will. When you feel like you can’t anymore, though you’ve heard it a thousand times before, better days ARE waiting ahead and they are on their way. Do what you do best: hope!

You are capable of doing so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are scared of challenge but you’re going to learn to love it and sort of become addicted to it. Don’t put up a wall when they come, let them come full force and take them on; they are what will make you the person you need to become.

The ‘potential’ everyone keeps seeing and pointing out, you never quite get there. Even when you begin to tap into it and reach a higher level, you will still be haunted by that word: ‘potential’. But that’s the exciting part; growth doesn’t reach a limit! There is ALWAYS room for more growth & improvement & new-uncharted territory. You are capable of so much more than you’re aware of; so don’t become stagnant and please, believe a little in yourself; it’s not always prideful to do so.

You think you are patient … you think you are strong … you think you are determined …  you think you know a lot … but all these things will put to test. Just remember to LET GO and HOLD ON at the same time. And tests are not to humiliate you or merely expose your weakness; they are to make you stronger where you are weak; so let it be.

It might take a while for this to sink in … but you are beautiful & extraordinary. Not for what you do, your talent, your appearance or your accomplishments … not because everyone says so … but for your pure heart. Don’t LET anyone else tell you otherwise.

For every relationship that doesn’t work, for every dream that falls through, there is a reason and there is a time; either you trust that or you don’t. Your challenge won’t be to decipher it all, but rather learning to TRUST and WAIT PATIENTLY to see things as they truly are as they move from the shadows into the light. Remember this: God does not ask of you understanding but rather obedience. And if something changes your life, let it; change is good!

God’s love is the best part of you but with the years your focus will shift, your heart will deceive you, but you will keep coming back to it: God’s love is the best part of you, of life & though you may feel the need to have all these other things & all these other types of love … HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

The years to come won’t quite fit into your pretty little box, but no matter how different it all turns out to be, seven years from now it will be beautiful; you will have become the person God needs you to become. And at the end of the day … after all is said and done … isn’t that the point of it all … 

Such a small word, but with so much power.

So much power as to intimidate courage … paralyze potential … outshine opportunity … or compete with the greatest of them all … love.

These past couple of days my heart has taken me back to the beginnings of 2011. It seemed the best way to start a new year; exuding joy and expectancy of dreams that seemed to take their first steps toward blossoming. I was excited, expectant, optimistic and ready. I was at the top of the world when a friend approached me and said, “God told me you have all these fears and He wants to do great things with you, but you have to let go of your fears that are holding you back.” I welcomed this person’s words BUT you don’t understand how puzzled I felt by the word “FEAR”. I twisted and turned my thoughts and tried to search my heart but I could not find fear or anything that resembled it within. I was too happy, to optimistic and excited for any fear to withstand within me; I was at the top of the world and ready to leap! But anyway, I prayed and with a genuine and willing heart I asked Him that if there were fears in me, that He would search me, find them, and show them to do so that I could confront them and move forward.

Fast forward only couple months later … things took a turn and not one, but many of those dreams that had already been set into motion hit a wall and crushed into pieces. Sounds a bit dramatic and dark but at that moment, darkness is the only thing my heart saw, felt and heard. I didn’t understand any of it … I was disappointed. But when I asked God “why” … He helped me see … He was showing me my fears … and oh boy was I wrong to think I didn’t have them or that I had overcome them.

You see … fears … we all have them and we think we don’t. They find their way into our core and hide in the dark corners and they lie there, dormant. They’re comfortable, untouched and safe UNTIL circumstances threaten them and only then are they exposed and reflected through the cracks of our lives and will.

What are YOUR fears?!

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself that question. Or better yet, not ask yourself, but observe yourself?

Cause if you look more than you speak … you will see your fears spelled out in your steps.

When my fears felt threatened, they awakened and soon enough I saw:

I fear being alone …

I fear never ‘blooming’ to exteriorize all I know I am and can be …

I fear being ‘good’ but not ‘good enough’ …

I fear getting ‘stuck’ … ‘stagnant’ …

I fear never moving beyond just ‘dreams’ …

I fear being but the sum of my accomplishments … and that, not adding to much …

Yes … I’m a human being & I have fears & doubts! And I feel weak admitting them, exposing my seams and stitches … but I know I am not alone on this.

You see … that’s what happens when you can’t tell the truth from the lies. When we find ourselves falling into the gravity of fear and doubt … worried there’s no one there to catch us … where hope leaves our hands like dust swept by the wind … where we look at our dreams and notice they are so rusty and worn out; where our belief is but a shadow of the expectancy it used to shine with. On those days we mingle with doubt, wondering if our fears are but the truth behind a veil of denial and unrealistic optimism or overachieving hope.

But after I’ve sat in silence for a while … and I’ve waited long enough … soon enough come those days when I can suddenly see! I see the truth drown out the lies.

The problem is not “having fears” but rather “giving in to fears.” FEAR is the ABSENCE of FAITH!

When I compare where I started and realize how far along I’ve come … I stand up and look fear in the eye and laugh. I laugh at how absurd it is for me to dwell & linger on these fears … how silly it is for me to worry when I have a God who LOVES me. And HE says HE has plans for me … plans of GOOD … to give me a hope and a future!!!!! On those days I feel guilty and ashamed … as I’m reminded that I serve a God who’s LIMITLESS. On those kinds of days I feel encouraged … to walk in faith. I feel challenged to step out and walk the talk! It all strangely makes sense in the fact that it doesn’t make sense; hence, I’m reminded there’s a reason it’s called FAITH!  — the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.—

On those days I feel humbled to ask God to clear mi vision and help my unbelief.

These past couple of days my heart has taken me back to the beginnings of 2011. And the understanding I desperately sought then, I can only begin to see now. I can see everything that rough patch produced in me.

“You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss.

 ¹⁰Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets. ^11-13And now, isn’t it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You’re more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you’ve come out of this with purity of heart.”

WITH GOD … ALL things are possible.

So that means that on the days we are weighed down by fear … WITH GOD EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE …

or on the days when we’re reeking with self-sufficiency … without God NOTHING is possible …

WITH GOD! That’s the ONLY option!

Let’s be honest … He’s not always the only one we ‘want’ … our selfish hearts want far more than just Him … isn’t that what our struggles on this earth are about … but HE IS the only one we can acknowledge that we truly NEED.

In the face or the absence of fear … GOD is more than enough.

Stir up your faith and let that be the TRUTH that drowns out the lies of the fears overtaking your heart.